I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize