I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
