why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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