Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
