That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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