Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
