Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
