Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
