He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
