You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
