Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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