i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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