He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
