i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
