That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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