I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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