It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
