I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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