Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
