i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
