Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
