I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
