if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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