Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
