there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
sarcasm needs its own font
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I AM VODKA MAN
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
