I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
