so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
