There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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