well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She tied me up with her honor cords...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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