Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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