I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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