last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize