she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
