If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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