Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(813): View more from Florida

watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(516): View more from New York

Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS

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(905): View more from Ontario

In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother

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