I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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