and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
