I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
