I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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