sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize