while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
