just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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