you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize