Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
