She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
