I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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