my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
