you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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