He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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