I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
