i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
