after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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