he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
