I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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