There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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