I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We have started to decorate penises.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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