So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
