if i can run in heels then i can drive
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
