I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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