I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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