I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
