i jhust puked up my retainher.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize