Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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