dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
