just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
