I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
